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by Topher Payne
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March 01, 2013 00:00 |
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My husband Preppy was sick all last week. Our schedules do not allow for illness, so at the first sign of a sniffle the offending party is required to quarantine in the guest room until the threat of contagion has passed.
This is really hard on the dog. She’ll spend the entire night trotting back and forth between his bed and mine, a bone hanging out of her mouth like a cigar, whining in confusion regarding where her loyalties should lie. The sick person obviously needs her more. The well person won’t wake her up with the coughing and the sneezing, which is important considering her agenda requires her to sleep for 16 hours daily.
Maintaining separate bedrooms really throws our competing schedules into sharp relief. We can go four or five days at a time without seeing each other awake. If we’re on opposite sides of the house, I lose the comfort of at least seeing him sleeping. But one does what one can with what one has, and I know he’s close by, which is something.
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by Topher Payne
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February 15, 2013 00:00 |
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I’m on a Delta flight from New York to Atlanta, awaiting takeoff. I have the aisle seat. In the middle, a baby-faced guy who I’m pretty sure is a Mormon, or at least he dresses like one.
At the window, a fiftyish businessman type, brandishing a copy of an Ann Coulter book called “Mugged.” Ugh. I just cannot stand Ann Coulter. That woman is not a conservative, she’s a provocateur. Ann Coulter is like one of those performance artists who work with body fluids — there’s no meaning behind the action, they just want everyone to notice their poop on a wall.
So already, I’m not a fan of Window Seat, as I watch him tapping out very important texts on his Blackberry.
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by Topher Payne
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February 01, 2013 00:00 |
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Tricia Branigan’s husband builds those luxury townhome communities that pop up in unexpected locations where land is cheap, instantly gentrifying a single block of Buford Highway, and then promptly walling it off so its residents never have to interact with the neighbors.
The resulting effect is startling — you’ll drive past a neglected Texaco Station, then a hair weave place, and then there’s this big terrarium for white people, and then like a prepaid cell phone store and a Checkers.
I met the Branigans through work, when I had a job which required me to call wealthy people and ask them for money. For whatever reason, Tricia Branigan had no interest in writing a check to the organization. But she would gleefully spend thousands of dollars hosting a fundraising party in her home, a gesture as thoughtful as it was consistently ineffective.
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by Topher Payne
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January 18, 2013 00:00 |
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People tend to write about weddings in springtime, when the world is lush and green, bridal parties cover the steps of every house of worship like a taffeta amoeba. But by then it’s too late.
Those beautiful June weddings were planned in the gray, dreary days of winter — a perfects setting for tense negotiations over budgets and whether so-and-so is going to be your best man because there will be a bar at the reception and you know how he gets.
My husband and I were married a little over three years ago on a beach in Massachusetts. We called it “eloping to a disclosed location” because “destination wedding” implied we would be covering the cost for anyone but ourselves, which we had no interest in doing.
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by Topher Payne
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January 04, 2013 00:00 |
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Well, it turns out the Mayans were just as reliable about predicting the end of our civilization as they were at predicting their own.
I was charitable enough to give them until the end of the year, but 2012 officially came to a close without any of the pyrotechnics promised by doomsday preppers or John Cusack collecting a paycheck. Oh well. Guess I’ll get to that laundry I was putting off.
When folks watch a movie like “2012” (which no one should) or a TV show like “Walking Dead” (which everyone should), they tend to put themselves in the shoes of the survivors, saying, “I’d get myself to an army base, because they’re totally secure and I could pig out on MREs.”
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