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by Topher Payne
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May 10, 2013 00:00 |
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My husband Preppy is the big boss in Georgia for a well-known clothing line — I’ll protect his anonymity by not mentioning which one. Let’s just say Sarah Jessica Parker really likes their khakis.
Because Preppy represents the brand wherever he travels, it’s of great importance that he stay current, wearing whatever is on display in stores. If something is inadvertently ripped or stained, he must replace it with a duplicate.
This is beyond my comprehension. My job does not require well-maintained clothes. I’m a writer. My job literally does not require clothes. If I took the notion, I could do my job entirely nude. I don’t, of course, because I do not enjoy being naked for extended periods of time unless I’m engaged in an activity which explicitly requires it — like showering, or some but not all sexual acts.
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by Topher Payne
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April 26, 2013 00:00 |
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For the last three and a half years, my husband Preppy and I have shared our home with Daisy, a Jack Russell beagle. The breed is called Jackabees by some, but not by us. Not everything needs to be a damn portmanteau, people. Sometimes we can just expend the effort and utter multiple words. Preppy has a very healthy relationship with Daisy, in that he treats her like a dog.
Me? I’m not quite so adamant about labels like “human” and “dog.” I don’t have a pet as much as a cohort — someone to sit on the couch and watch “Mad Men” with while we eat a whole bunch of carrots. When we are alone, I turn on my favorite music from high school and we dance. When I see Daisy eating a sock, I take her picture and put it on Instagram.
When Preppy gets up to go to work, she moves from the end of the bed to his pillow. I wake up to her staring at me. I have no idea how long she lies there waiting. Preppy finds that unsettling. I think it is conclusive evidence that I am Daisy’s favorite person in the whole world. She is totally my best friend.
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by Topher Payne
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April 12, 2013 00:00 |
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When I was 19, I managed to land a job in Atlanta, and I moved here without even visiting first. I just found an apartment online that I could afford, got approved, packed up my stuff and came for the keys. Had I visited the city beforehand, I would have realized why apartments were so cheap by Gwinnett Place Mall.
But even in Duluth, I was still totally connected to the hot and happening Atlanta gay scene, thanks to the 1990s uniter of the masses, America Online.
For the Millennials reading this, allow me to explain the process of trolling for strangers online during the Clinton administration. Disable your call waiting, dial into America Online, if it’s peak hours you might have to try a couple different numbers, then sign in as one of your six optional usernames, which America Online specifically offers for purposes of anonymous cyber sex.
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by Topher Payne
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March 29, 2013 00:00 |
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SCALIA: When did it become unconstitutional to prohibit gays from marrying? Was it always unconstitutional?
OLSON: When we as a culture determined that sexual orientation is a characteristic of individuals that they cannot control, and that that -
SCALIA: I see. When did that happen? When did that happen?
OLSON: There’s no specific date in time. This is an evolutionary cycle.
SCALIA: Well, how am I supposed to know how to decide a case, then, if you can’t give me a date when the Constitution changes.
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by Topher Payne
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March 15, 2013 00:00 |
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Part of my trip planning whenever I go out of town for more than a few days includes a stop at the discount tobacco store for a carton of American Spirit Perique Rich Robust — they’re the ones that come in the black pack, which inarguably makes them classier.
When I get ‘em by the carton it works out to around $5.50 a pack. I smoke roughly a pack a day. Yes, I’m fully aware I’m spending two grand a year on cigarettes, I can do math. So let’s just bring those eyebrows back to a neutral place, thanks.
Those same cigarettes are $9 to $12 in other cities, so I plan ahead. Last time I was in Manhattan, whenever someone asked me for a cigarette, I’d offer them two for a dollar. And they went for it! They paid!
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